Divorces are painful. They can bring out the worst in both partners, or they can be an opportunity to cleanly bring resolution to the past and create a new beginning for both of you, without laying the emotional seeds that will recreate what you’re escaping.
Divorce can be the ultimate time for spiritual practice, which burns off self-defeating patterns and firmly establishes real freedom for self and others.
But this is often not what happens. So how can you navigate divorce gracefully and with compassion – for yourself and all those affected – so that you’re free from regret and self-recrimination?
The answer is to dive into the experience fully, openly, and honestly.
Ponder the following: How can you escape your current patterns?
As you move through this process, there will be a greater need for both external resources and more time for yourself, so you can do some of the internal emotional work you’ve likely been putting off for years.
What’s important to keep in mind is that, unless the present situation is cleanly brought to a conclusion, we may be compelled by the forces we are avoiding—to repeat the same patterns.
Many people believe that they just need a different person. They think they’ll experience the things they want if only they can be free of the previous relationship. But they can’t see their contribution to the problems, or the ways in which they attract these situations themselves.
No matter who is ultimately “at fault” in the textbook definition of divorce, we all have our own communication styles, flaws, and quirks that make us non-ideal partners.
No one is perfect.
Thus, once you’ve made the decision to end a long-term partnership, there’s not only a need for a new beginning, but there's a need for hard work, self-reflection, compassion, and support along the way to ensure you don’t repeat your mistakes with the next person.
Commit to clarifying your personal standards for how you will conduct yourself physically, verbally, and emotionally.
The first thing to know about divorce is that you can navigate it to the absolute best of your ability. Know that each day following the decision to separate is an opportunity for you to adhere to your highest ethics and principles, despite your high emotions.
If there are children involved, keep in mind how you can navigate the situation so that the children experience even deeper integrity and truth from what both parents embody. You of course can’t control your partner, but you can control yourself – your body, your emotions, and your words.
Here are three ways to help exercise control and keep your emotions in check:
Physical exercise – Release the emotions and tension that the body naturally accumulates in times of stress. Make a plan for regular exercise and allow yourself to truly feel your body – its connection to the earth and your soul. Ground yourself in the physical sensation of your muscles stretching and pulling, your heart beating fast.
Breathe – The emotional tone of your words often contains more power than the words themselves. Engage in conscious breathwork to ensure that when you communicate, you are doing so clearly with your full and honest intention.
Emotions – Allow yourself to spend time processing, expressing, and genuinely feeling all the emotions moving through your body. Find a safe space in which you can freely express yourself without fear of negatively affecting someone else with your expression.
Create a plan for the major goals you have
Another important aspect to navigating a divorce with integrity, compassion, and truth is the practical element of uncoupling. Ask yourself, how do you want to consciously remove and uncouple this bond you have with this person?
Spend some time alone and list what you believe would be a fair outcome from your perspective. What would you like financially, in terms of property allocation, pets, children, everything you shared? You may find that you learn something about your desires for your life moving forward.
Some of these desires you may have already considered, but some of them may surprise you.
Next, make a journal of gratitude for what this relationship brought you and for what you’ll take with you. No matter how long your relationship, there was at one point value in it for you. That much is indisputable. So own the good parts, and spend time consciously acknowledging that. Who you are today is likely an amalgamation of what this person brought to your life, so don’t dismiss the whole relationship as a mistake.
Finally, close with a blessing for your partner. What would be the best outcome for them? For everyone involved? Submit that to the universe or whatever spiritual practice you follow. Make a devotional offering of what your deepest intention is for the greatest good.
Ensure you have the proper support
Many times, the friendship role played by your spouse is underestimated. Especially when they are suddenly no longer your closest confidante, you may find yourself in states of emotional self-sabotage because you have too much alone time without opportunity for reflection from those who love you.
You should not navigate this alone – find a group of people to support you, and encourage your former partner to do the same.
Hard emotional practices can be profoundly healing and shift us from the perpetual discursive mind that cannot let go of things. Engaging the heart and feeling your emotions in productive ways is the key to turning divorce into a deep spiritual practice wherein you emerge stronger and with a clearer sense of who you are.
This will illuminate your path forward.
If you are currently navigating a divorce, no matter what stage, feel free to reach out to me. I offer private coaching for individuals that focuses on navigating relationships with integrity; this includes the dissolution of those relationships as well.
You can book a free introductory call with me here: https://sunyata.info/contact